Shoe Bows Xmas Tree

For years, the shoe bows have graced our Christmas tree. Ever since Lauren got her first set, I have used them as ornaments. Shoe bows are little bows that my girls affixed to their tap shoes, to match their recital costumes.

I have kept every pair ever made for Lauren's and London's tap shoes. Ornaments have come and gone in this house over the years, but the shoe bows have always remained.

Each year, as I hung them on the tree, Lauren would complain. The last time we decorated the Christmas tree together, I remember Lauren saying....

" Really Mama, the shoe bows?"....

I just laughed and kept hanging them, one by one, remembering little tap shoes, and reminiscing about each dance. I can still tell you what song they danced to when they wore their shoe bows. I can still hear the music, and their dancing little feet, when I look at them.

My favorite ones of Lauren's were her first ones, gold satin and gold sequins, to match her gold Winnie the Pooh tap costume. Her long blond hair was the same color as her costume, and you could see her beautiful long eyelashes from the stage. She was the tiniest little ballerina that night, and my heart burst with joy and pride, as I watched her dance her little heart out for the first time. I always put the gold ones on the tree first, and I remember...

Last year was our first Christmas without Lauren. I could not bring myself to look for the shoe bows. In fact, we had all new ornaments. The tree was beautiful, and the holiday was melancholy. We enjoyed the new ornaments as much as we could, but looking back now, I think I missed those little shoe bows.

I guess I have to go find them now. I'm thinking I should definitely put them on the Christmas tree this year. I think I will quietly sneak them on when we trim the tree. I'm sure I will cry when I hang them, gold ones first. But that's okay, because they will be on the tree. Eventually, I will begin to enjoy them again, and I really want that. I missed those little shoe bows more than I knew.

Reflecting  on the shoe bows today has also made me realize something. I have earned the right, and the privilege, to enjoy those memories of both my girls tap dancing. I don't want Lauren's passing to take that away from me anymore. I am willing to push through the pain I expect to experience when I hang the shoe bows, because the reward of enjoying them again is worth it.

T.Rodney

11/4/10