F.R.O.G. Blog

Another Birthday

     Another birthday of Lauren’s to celebrate without her, it hurts my very soul.  I begin to feel the emotion and the loss welling up inside of me around July 4.  My mind goes back to July 4, 1991, a few days before Lauren was born.  I was so filled with anticipation and emotion. I told myself that this would be the last July 4th that I would ever spend without the precious child I was carrying.  I felt so warm inside, knowing that she would be born in a few days.  I knew that my life would be forever changed, and she would always be with me.  Little did I know that this July 4th holiday, and the last three before it would be so painful and so forlorn.  I miss her so much, my child and my friend.

     The cross of grief can be so heavy at times.  The memories tear at my heart and break me down to tears.  How can a mother’s heart feel so full before we ever met, and so painfully empty now that she is gone. I can’t forget the feelings I had the 4th of July before she was born.  The memories crop up uninvited every year.  It was such a happy time, and I knew in my heart that she would always be here. Lauren Elizabeth Rodney was born on July 12, 1991, and life took on new meaning the very instant we met.  It was the beginning of us, the Rodney family.

      I’m sure that every mother begins to feel those nostalgic memories in the days prior to their child’s birthday, but they become so painful when your child is gone.  It is almost unbearable as the wonderful feelings of hope and joy are replaced by the most horrible feelings of loss and pain.  How drastic is the swing of the pendulum.  I never know exactly how to celebrate such a hard day.  We always make her favorite chocolate cake with chocolate icing, and Maw Maw and Paw Paw cook some of her favorite foods.  We honor her that day, and we go to her cross on the side of the road to release balloons up to her in heaven.  But my whole mother’s being aches for physical contact.  A hug, a whiff of her, the sound of her laughter, the twinkle in her eye, I long for any and all of these things that I can only conjure up in my own mind now that she is gone. 

     It feels so cruel and unfair sometimes to have to face the rest of my life like this, in this state of limbo.  I am never sure about moving on in life, because it feels like I get further from her, but yet I am not comfortable with remaining stagnant in this cesspool of pain either.  I’m not sure of what to say or do when someone asks me what we are planning to do to celebrate her birthday.  I feel so bad for not making plans, but I can’t bring myself to think about it until it gets here. Through Lauren’s death, my life has changed.  I live day to day now, facing the pain and the difficulty in the smallest doses I can swallow, lest I feel that I may drown in my own tears, or be suffocated by grief. 

     I find solace and hope in my family and my faith.  My husband Terry, my daughter London, and my son TJ, inspire me every day to face tomorrow with hope and joy again.  They help me to celebrate Lauren’s life.  My family and my faith help me to extinguish the fire of overwhelming grief when it threatens to engulf my spirit.  They give me something to feel thankful for again.  They remind me that although our Lauren is gone from this life, there is still a lot of living for the rest of us to do because God has plans for all of us.  They help me to carry the burden of missing her, and they miss her too. 

     So we will celebrate another birthday for Lauren, and we will do it all together.  We will make her cake, and enjoy a meal, and release our wishes in balloons that I wish could float all the way up to heaven.  We will face yesterday and today and tomorrow just like we always have, as a family.  On this, Lauren’s 21st birthday, I wish her love and gratitude.  She started this family, and our journey together in this life, and she still leads the way.

Tara Rodney

7/3/12

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