F.R.O.G. Blog

I'd Trade Tomorrows

I’d trade all of my tomorrows

    “I’d trade all of my tomorrows for one single yesterday”.  I heard the Janis Joplin song “Me and Bobby McGee” today, and those lyrics got stuck in my head.  I began to think about them and how futile life must feel for a person to write those words. What happened to her to make her say that? Most people never feel that way, and I never expected that I ever would.  Sometimes I feel like I could make that trade.  However, I know in my heart that nothing would be the same, not even the single yesterday.  There is absolutely no going back, not for just one moment, much less for one day.  That is what is so hard.  Never going back is as painful as moving forward without her.  I am left in this cruel limbo.  I am forced to live in this moment, and the next, and never will there be another day of my life with Lauren.  The bittersweet yesterdays are all I have left of Lauren to mingle into my todays and tomorrows, and as time passes yesterday gets further from today, and hopelessly distant from tomorrow. 

    I guess the silver lining is the contentment of living for today that I have found. I no longer look to the future with unbridled anticipation.  I am content to stay in the moment at hand because I can never forget how hard tomorrow might be.  I can no longer live my days with pure joy, because I am no longer innocent to profound pain, or the reality that eventually it will touch my life again.  So I live as contentedly as I possibly can for the moment.  I find ways to connect Lauren to the present and the future.  I keep the candle of yesterday eternally burning within my heart as I live for today and look to tomorrow. 

Tara Rodney

7/4/11

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