He maketh me to lie down in green pastures….
On February 20, 2009, my beloved Lauren laid down in her green pasture. I never connected the fact that Lauren died lying in a green pasture and the 23rd psalm until now. It’s the third anniversary of her death, and perhaps my heart is finally open to the connection of Lauren’s death and that scripture. I pulled out my bible, and I went straight to those words that were echoing in my head, “He maketh me to lie down in green pastures..” I was comforted by the words. I smiled for Lauren because I felt like she was blessed to have died lying in a green pasture. I was comforted because I felt a connection to the word of God, when I read that scripture because it pertains to my beloved daughter, and therefore to me. I have always heard the 23rd psalm associated with death, but it never meant so much. Today it feels like God’s word has touched my heart and I am finally able to relate the bible to my own life in more than just a metaphorical way.
But more important than the green pasture part are the words that come right before it, “The Lord is my shepherd there is nothing I shall want.” Once again, Lauren’s death points me to God and faith. Her message resonates loud and clear, “Fully Rely On God”. I must learn to live those words. It is very hard for me to just rely on God. I am programmed to rely on myself. I still think that I am in control of my own destiny. I still think that my life is my own, and that I can make it anything I want it to be, even though I live the hard lesson that it is not every day. I had to let go of all those fallacies when my life took a turn that was out of my control. I learned that I control nothing. I learned that I had to rely on God because I could not rely on myself. I learned that I never was relying on myself in all the time that I thought I was. But, even knowing this now, I still have a hard time letting go of the illusion that I control my life. I want to fully rely on God, like Lauren taught me. I want to live my life wanting for nothing because the Lord is my shepherd.
It sounds so simple, but it is not. My human instinct urges me to trust in what I can do for myself. I have to work hard to let go and trust God. Sometimes it is especially hard because I don’t understand why Lauren had to die so young. Sometimes I get mad at God for not answering my most heartfelt prayer. Sometimes I feel like I did something wrong and that I am being punished. It is hard to carry the burden of feeling like I disappointed God, and even harder to carry the burden of feeling like He disappointed me. I have learned to rely on the fact that I can only see my view of the whole picture. I trust in the belief that one day it will all make sense. One glorious day, my questions and prayers will finally be answered, and I will be comforted. The shackles of grief will be loosened, and my life will feel complete and wonderful again.
Until then, I try to live my life in the best way that I know how. I thank God for all of the many blessings I still do have. I cherish my children and my family in a way I never could have before. I love more deeply and I pray more solemnly. I try not to worry about the future so much because I know that a new day of change will come to my life eventually, and once again, I will have to accept it, whether I want to or not. I remind myself to let go of the façade of control. I try to set an example for my children to live and enjoy each moment, even the painful ones, because they are all heaven sent. I encourage them to pick up their crosses in life, and carry them with courage and grace. I work hard to fully rely on God, and to humbly remain a member of His flock. I read the 23rd psalm, and I am comforted. I trust in those words, and I apply them to my life every day because they are not just words to die by, they are also words to live by. And I finally believe with my whole heart and soul that THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD, THERE IS NOTHING I SHALL WANT.
Tara Rodney
2/20/12