Sometimes I wish I could forget her. Sometimes I wish I
could pretend she was never here. That's how bad the hurting hurts. The pain can
be so great sometimes, I wish it would
just be gone, at any cost. But I can't wish her memory away. Even if I really tried to, my heart, mind,
and soul would never let me, and the physical void would still be there.
How can I explain the hurting? I comes and goes. At its worst, its still
only bearable, because I know it will pass. It is as if the hurting lingers in
my shadow, waiting for it's best opportunity. Then, it ambushes me when I least
expect it. It's like a hair trigger reaction that occurs in my brain. It can be
set off by a smell, a sight, a sound, a movie, a song, a feeling, a memory, the
list is endless.
When it hits me, I suddenly, and inexplicably, find
myself experiencing the worst pain of losing Lauren all over again. Physically,
it feels like taking a horse kick to my chest and stomach at the same time. I
get dizzy, and sick to my stomach, and feel a piercing pain through the middle
of my heart. It takes my breath away,
and I find it hard to hold myself up. Then the tears begin to silently fall.
I've learned to let the tears fall as discreetly as
possible, and to suck them up quickly. The hurting is not something I want to
share with anyone. When it comes over me, I feel like I have to escape wherever
I am, and sometimes I do. I go out for a
breath of fresh air, and I look for a gentle breeze to wash over me. Then I
pray for grace and strength. I feel despondent because I know that the hurting
will always be there in my shadow.....
But today, I
remember that I am an optimist, and I know there is a silver lining somewhere.
Maybe this hurting reciprocates itself in a greater propensity to feel joy...
Maybe I can appreciate the little things more... Maybe the hurting inspires me
not to take people or things for granted.... Maybe it pushes me to do and say
things I never thought I could... Maybe it makes me a better person, more
compassionate and empathetic... Maybe it brought me back to God.
I hope that it makes me a better wife and mother,
daughter and sister, cousin and friend. I wish that I could harness the
emotion, and raw pain, and use it for good.... Maybe I am... Maybe the hurting
has been necessary to bring about all these things in my life.
I think if I were the in heaven today, I would want Lauren to plant her seeds of pain, and grow beautiful, sweet smelling roses. Then I would want her to harvest her roses, and share them with others. I would also want her to enjoy the roses herself, even when the thorns prick her fingers and make her cry. I would want her to keep tending her rose garden, making it something beautiful, despite it's painful thorns.
So thats it.... For me, the hurting is no longer in my shadow. It will live in the sunshine of my heart, on Lauren's rosebush, that I have planted there today. It will be the thorn that pricks my finger, and makes me cry, but despite the pain, I will enjoy the beauty of Lauren's roses. I will tend my garden, and share the beautiful roses that bloom with others, just like I would want her to do.
Tara Rodney
11/1/10