I hate Christmas! It seems so selfish for everyone to go along in their happy, little fuzzy Christmas, when others have to suffer. It is so cruel. It makes me want to turn my heart. Instead if being moved into this selfless time of charity and giving, I just hate people. All happy people. I want to retreat into myself and isolate from everyone. I don't want anyone to ask how I am doing, or make any friendly gestures toward me. I am just filled with angst.
Grief has me firmly in it's gnarled grip. I can hardly
pull myself out of the lowest pits. I've been here before, and it's hard to
climb out of. It's some weird internal struggle that makes you fight against
yourself to feel better. It's a vicious cycle, as bad as you want to feel
better, something drags you down, and wants you to stay there.
I am finally starting to admit and deal with my anger
towards God. I need more from God. I need a God that doesn't dole out blanket
punishments. I need a God that values a person for their heart, and not their church attendance record. I
need a God that can see past man made laws and interpretations of the Bible. I
need answers that my church can't give.
The church is for the people as a whole, not the
individual. A free thinking, analytical person can never have their questions
answered. And that's another thing...it all boils down to blind faith. I just
don't get it.
I do receive peace from reciting the rosary. I do it
everyday, at least once. It pulled me from the deepest depths of grief. I do
believe in it's power. But the rosary is an individual action, open to our own
interpretation. We receive our own blessings,
and feelings in our own hearts when we say it.
Another thing that really pisses me off, is when I have to hear about other peoples "miracles" and "prayers being answered". I prayed, I begged, and I pleaded, and so did Terry. Why couldn't our prayers be answered? Why couldn't we have a life changing miracle? Does God choose? If so, why didn't we make the cut? Are we being tested like Job?
(There goes the God I don't understand again.) I still remind myself that it wasn't about us at all, it was about Lauren, and her time, her life, her mission.
T.Rodney
Journal Entry
12/24/09
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I gave myself the best Christmas present ever! I let go of God. I let go of all the questions and riddles. I let go of the feeling that I didn't pray enough, or have enough faith, to deserve Gods intercession when I needed it most. I just can't get it. God and faith are all just one big contradiction after another.
If you "love" and "believe" in God
enough, all your needs will be met, and miracles will happen... Really!??!!!
Ask Job about that one. What kind of sadistic, "all knowing",
selfless, enlightened being with superior intelligence, would get caught up in
a pissing contest with the devil to prove his "most faithful"
servants faith and love? It just doesn't
compute. I mean, look at all Job went through to prove he still loved and
believed in God.
I've finally allowed myself to realize that it's ok if you die, and that's all there is. This whole religion thing is a burden to those of us who lacked enough faith to have our prayers answered. The only religious practice I cling to is the rosary. For some reason, it is comforting.
The bible? To me, a book of fables, just like Aesop's. Religion it seems to me, is for the feeble minded. The ones who don't need answers to their questions. They just need rules to follow to get them to heaven.
What happens to a person when the rules and the rituals aren't enough anymore? Where can you find the answers? Nowhere, because there are none. Only man's poor interpretations of a sacred book of fables, that man compiled to explain his concept of God, his creator and his conscience.
T.Rodney
Journal entry
12/26/09