A few days ago, I began questioning my faith again. I'm
trying to believe in an afterlife, but not feeling sure anymore. I remember
thinking to myself as I began praying my usual bathtime rosary.....what if
there's nothing more? What if you just die, and that's it? Well, if that's the case, I'm okay with that
too. It makes me want to live life more
gingerly, and make the most of what I have now, if that's all there is.
Still praying the rosary, I began talking to
Lauren......Lauren, please send me a sign that there is more. I know I have
asked so much already, but my faith is weak.
I need some strength or a sign that I am on the right quest for truth.
I finished my bath. I forgot about my conversation as I
walked out of the bathroom. A few
minutes later, London said....." Mom, you missed a call on your
phone"..... As I walked over to check my phone, London looked at me and
said...." It was from Lauren!!".
My heart leapt with joy!
How could it be? For one split
second, my mind erased the last year. I
had to remind myself that she was gone. Reality always hurts when you come back
to it, but for one brief moment, time had turned back....
I couldn't believe what London was saying. I asked her
what she meant, as I looked down at my phone. Sure enough, I missed a call from
Lauren Elizabeth on my phone at 7:01. I said my prayer somewhere between 6:45,
and 7:00 pm, in the tub, during my rosary.
Upon further investigation, we discovered that T.J. had
called Laurens number on my phone, trying to speak with her. So, obviously
whoever has her number now was returning the call from my phone.
My heart sank. The missed call from Lauren was so easily explained away....
I stood there in the den, alone, for just a minute. I was
replaying the incident in my mind, and trying to comprehend what had just
happened.
I glanced up at the tv. The cartoon "courage the
cowardly dog" was on. All of a sudden, the tv screen came to life with
hundreds of frogs! Courage the dog was
in some kind of frog land. There were frogs dancing, and swimming, and
laughing, and singing! I called Terry
and the kids to come see. We all watched for a few moments, as the frogs filled
the tv screen.
The smile came across my face, and my heart leapt for joy
again. It was another confirmation! As
if a missed call from Lauren wasn't enough. I realized that it didn't matter
how the call came about. The fact was that I missed a call from Lauren
Elizabeth within minutes of me asking her for a sign of the afterlife.
Then, when doubt clouded my mind and heart again, my eyes were filled with happy, dancing frogs! I kept that feeling of an adrenaline rush until I went to bed. It's still a strange sensation to experience deep pain and exhilaration at the same time, but it left me feeling touched, and blessed.
I always think of my joy being tempered by my pain, but that night, it felt like the opposite. It felt like my pain was being tempered by joy.
T.Rodney
Journal entry....
2/6/10