Three weeks after Lauren died, we had to attend a
softball game. London was playing on the St Mary's softball team. It was a
beautiful spring Sunday. Cool enough for jeans, but warm enough to get a little
sun on your face. I was glad it was a nice day to hide behind my sunglasses.
As i sat and waited for the game to start, I was amazed,
and sickened at the same time, to see how life just turned back to normal.
People were smiling, laughing, enjoying the day, while I sat silently crying,
and agonizing in my own personal hell.
Looking around, I felt so alone. I wanted to scream, at the top of my lungs,...."Hello!!! My life has been destroyed and my child is gone, never to return!!! How can you eat a hot dog and smile at a time like this?!??!!".......
People were just living their lives, and it felt like a
slap in the face! Why do they deserve to
be happy and whole, and I don't?!?!!
Part of me wanted to feel ashamed,
like I had done something wrong, or deserved to lose my child for some
reason. I felt like people were thinking and saying those things about me. I've
never felt so alone and so ostracized.
As we sat watching the game, I noticed a lady sitting on
the side of me. She had fraternal twin girls. They were about 15 years old. I
sat looking forward, but couldn't help but notice the mom and her two daughters
in the corner of my eye. They were comparing their pedicures, and talking about
shopping. I could feel the envy welling up inside, and I couldn't stop my thoughts....she had two
the same age, why couldn't she have lost one of them? Or why couldn't another family with identical
twins lose one? Why me?!? It became so excruciating for me sitting with my own
jealousy, and heartache, and shame, I had to leave the field for a few moments.
When I came back to my seat, the mom and her girls were
still there, and I settled back into my chair to observe them some more.
As I looked forward, but focused on them, London caught my eye....
There she
was...wearing Lauren's sweatshirt. (she wore that sweatshirt almost everyday
for the rest of the school year).She stood tall, and proud, and she kept going.
She was playing softball with her broken heart, and she had her
"sissy" with her....and so did I.....
Suddenly, I felt guilty. I realized how selfish and
spoiled I sounded in my own mind. I was ashamed of myself. There I was, crying because I didn't have two
daughters anymore, instead of being thankful that I still had one.
So in that instant, I wiped my eyes and I turned my head
to watch my beautiful and amazing daughter, that I was still so very blessed to
share my life with, throw the ball to first.
I learned an important lesson that afternoon, one that I do my very best never to forget. I learned to count my blessings, and to make the most of what I still have. Instead of focusing on the future that will never be, I decided to focus on the future at hand. I still have two children that need, and deserve, the best mother that I can possibly be for them. That's what I was to Lauren, and that's what I will continue to be to them.
T.Rodney
10/20/10