On the day of Lauren's funeral, I promised myself, and my family, a couple of things. First, I promised that I would do everything
I could, to never make them feel like they lost me that day too. Next, I promised that I would also do
everything within my power, to never make them wonder if I wished it had been
them instead. I knew that I had to carry my own portion of grief, and they
would have their own share of the load to carry for themselves.
It was very important for me to look into their faces on
the morning of Lauren's funeral, before we lived on, one more second, and tell
them how I felt. I knew that they would be watching Terry and me fall apart,
and I didn't know how bad that would be for any of us. I wanted to make sure that they heard it from
me, beforehand, that Terry and I loved them, and were grateful for them, and
under no circumstances would we ever wish it could have been different.
I told them that morning, that life is unpredictable.
None of us wanted this, and we all wish we could change it, but we can't. We
have to go on, as a family, and be there for each other, and keep Lauren's
spirit alive in our hearts. We should live life the way we would want her to,
if we had gone to heaven, and she were still here. I remember telling them that
we had to use our pain for good, because that's how Lauren was, and that's how
she would want it.
We all four held hands that morning during our family meeting, the first one
without Lauren. We looked into each others eyes, and we hugged each other, as
we promised to go on, as a family.
Then, rather mundanely, we returned to what we had been
doing before our meeting. I took the curlers out of my hair, and London went
back to her make up. Terry resumed his hunt for black socks, and T.j. went to the
den to watch t.v.. I did not know at the
time, how much those words would mean to our lives. I just knew I had to stop,
with curlers in my hair, in the middle of getting ready for Lauren's funeral,
to say them, and I know now, that they needed to hear them.
On the way downstairs, I pulled London aside, and I sprayed some of Lauren's perfume on her, and some on myself. We smiled, and we hugged, and suddenly I realized, that today was not just the ending, but also the new beginning. We would make it, all of us together, and just like the scent of her perfume lingered on us, so did her spirit, still dwell within our hearts.
Tara Rodney
11/6/10