God’s love
“God’s love is wonderful and terrible at the same time”. I was shocked when Father Blake said it during his homily. What? How can God’s love ever be terrible? Isn’t it supposed to be wonderful all the time? My mind began to race with thoughts, and upon reflection, I realized that I understood what Father Blake meant. I can remember feeling terrible and wonderful at the same time. I felt that way during the birth of my children. I distinctly remember feeling devastated and exhilarated at the same time in my dream of Lauren as an angel. I also felt that way when I learned to ride a bike, and on graduation day. Come to think of it, the most profound moments of my life were both joyous and painful at the same time.
Does the experience of pain make joy more joyful? Sometimes I feel like joy makes pain more painful. A joyful memory of Lauren can twist the knife of pain in my heart and put a smile on my face at the same time. Maybe my life is perpetually balanced by joy and pain, sometimes separately, and sometimes simultaneously. Maybe there is no such thing as joy without pain because that would not be balanced, and in order for a soul to have peace, it must have balance. Maybe I could never experience true joy without having experienced true pain.
The pain of God’s love is still an interesting concept for me. Just the sound of it seems wrong. God’s love should not be painful. Then, I remember some of the examples of God’s love that I have learned about. I think of the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ, Mary’s acceptance of God’s will, and purgatory, to name a few instances of God’s love being both terrible and wonderful at the same time. I suppose death must certainly be terrible to leave all I’ve ever known, yet wonderful to finally see God and loved ones I have missed, especially Lauren. I think that the pain of God’s love is an awesome thing, because I realize now that I feel His love with every part of my being, including my pain.
In any case, I know that God’s love remains true, and although the truth is not always pleasant, I have to accept it, because it is reality. I believe that my life is a perfect blend of good and bad, pain and joy, and that’s what makes it worth living. God’s love is the same way, and that’s part of what makes it worth having.
Tara Rodney
3/25/11