Just a hug
If I could just give her a hug, and feel her in my arms, I could stand the pain of missing her so much. If I could just hear her voice, or her laugh, I could last a little longer. I succumb to my pain because it feels endless. There is no hope of my life without this pain. My innocence is lost and I feel tainted. I don’t feel like I should have to live the rest of my life like this. I feel punished or ostracized for something.
I remember that the bible says that I am blessed. Blessed are those who mourn….it feels like no blessing. I try to use my pain for good. I try to be there for others who are bereaved like me, and it helps. I try to live my life as I would hope Lauren would live her life if I had died first. I try to be the best person that I can so that I can see her again.
But none of these things ever fill my arms. They may fill my heart for a fleeting moment, but never do they touch my empty mother’s arms, the arms that held her tight and ache for just one Lauren hug. I have been very blessed to have a couple of dream hugs with Lauren, no words, just hugs. I woke up with my arms not feeling so empty. What I would give for just a hug, even a dream hug today.
Tara Rodney
11/30/11