My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? I have never concentrated on those words before. I knew that they were part of Jesus' agony, but I never thought that they would pertain to my life. Today I think that Jesus uttering those words gave me permission to utter them myself, and to feel forsaken. I guess God, in His perfect wisdom, knew that we would all feel that way at least once in our lives. Suffering brings us all to that place where we feel forsaken, and abandoned, and alone in our pain. Sometimes I allow my pain to alienate me from God, myself, and many other things in my life.
After losing Lauren, so many people made references to faith, and how faith would sustain me through the pain. At first, I didn’t believe it because I was a doubting Thomas and I had gotten angry with God for not answering my prayer to save Lauren. I even questioned myself as to whether I wanted to believe in a God that would allow me to endure such pain. Maybe God did forsake someone like me, and maybe I did something to deserve it. Maybe I was wrong, and it was the other way around, maybe it was I, who had forsaken God. At this point, I had to research the definition of the word forsaken. I had to know if I had actually forsaken God. The definition is as follows:
FORSAKEN-
1) To give up something formerly held dear; renounce
2) To leave altogether;
abandon
3) To feel deserted or helplessly abandoned.
A nauseating feeling of guilt washed over me. How many times had I abandoned God? I had allowed complacency to replace faith and humility in my life. I felt sick at the thought that I had actually been the forsaker, and not the forsaken. I found myself wondering if Lauren had been sacrificed to save me, because through her death, I found faith. Was that her mission of love? My limited human comprehension still cannot process Lauren’s death sometimes. I oscillate between the feeling that my soul has been punished, and the feeling that my soul has been blessed somehow.
Upon further
examination of my life, I realized that I had given up God several times. In fact, there was a time that I rarely
called on Him unless I was frightened or suffering in some way. After surviving the intense pain of losing my
beloved daughter, my relationship with God has grown from an “as needed basis”
to a daily basis. I no longer just want
to be His acquaintance when it suits me.
I have a more genuine relationship with God now. I understand that God is with me during every
moment of my life, even when I am so numbed by my pain that I can’t feel His
love.
Tara Rodney
5/20/11