The Pasture

My cousin Kim called to check on me the first day that Terry went back to work after Lauren died. I was scared to be alone with my own thoughts. But when the day came, I was doing it. I was sitting alone in the quiet breeze saying a rosary when Kim called. I didn't want to be disturbed, but Kim insisted that come to her house...."it will only take 5 minutes"....

She told me that she wanted to show me something she said I should drop whatever I was doing and come right now. Reluctantly, I jumped in my car and went right over.

She and her son Cy (my precious godson) were in the golf cart waiting for me when I drove up. So I got in the golf cart with them and Kim started toward the old turn-row that went beside Papa Tafts old cow pasture. At first I panicked. I think I had told myself that I never wanted to see a pasture again. Because that's where Lauren died. In a pasture.

I didn't know what to do. The tears just started to fall. I couldn't say anything for a moment. I just put my head back and closed my eyes. I felt the wind blowing through my hair. All of a sudden, I was a little girl again, with Kim, in the back of Papas truck, enjoying the breeze and the pasture.

At this point in my grief, I didn't know that it was possible for me to have a memory that didn't pierce my heart. Just that morning, I had gotten so angry because not only did I lose my daughter, it felt like I lost all my memories. It hurt too much to remember anything!  Every memory made me cry.

I could could see Kim's confusion at my reaction. So I explained to her that I had just read the death certificate a few days before. It listed Lauren's place of death as a pasture. Until that moment, I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

Then I remembered what a special place the pasture was to me. Kim took us to a spot and stopped the cart. We just sat there for a few moments, watching the green grass and brown weeds blowing in the wind like waves. The breeze was so refreshing. I felt it blowing all over me.

 Kim asked..."do you feel it?  There is a presence here"...I felt it just like she did. Then he said..."do you know how I know it's real?"...."look at Cy".....  Her 18 month old son was just sitting in between us in the cart. Very content, just putting his head back and enjoying the breeze with us. He wasn't fidgety or whiny. He was peaceful, just like us. We all three sat in silence for a while. Just soaking in the breeze and the sunshine together.  We couldn't stay long, so we headed back home.

Kim had no idea what a gift she had given me. Not just reminding me about the good memories of the pasture, but also a gift of strength and renewal. I also received an appreciation for the breeze and it's cleansing renewal to my soul.

After that moment, I found myself seeking the breeze wherever I could find it. A few days later, Aunt Carmel told me during a visit that she had read somewhere that Mary said that she comes to us on the gentle breeze.

T.Rodney

 10/11/10