Today is what I call a haunted day. Everywhere I turn,
sad little reminders fill my world. My
eyes are brimming with tears. My heart feels full, to the point of bursting, at
any moment. Today is not a day of happy, little, smiling, memories. It's a
cutting, painful, sorrowful, day of regret for what I've lost.
Why are some days so haunted? It feels like my own private hell. A day to wonder why, and if only....all the
whys, and ifs a person can wonder. It
just doesn't seem fair on a day like today.
I don't tell anyone, I just suck down my emotion, each
time I'm moved to tears. Tears flow effortlessly on a day like today. A song, a
memory, a smell, anything can, and will, be a painful reminder of paradise
lost.
A day like today is filled with regret. It's the time
when I let myself go there... I let myself feel bad about things I wish I could
change. I remember all the times I wish I could get back, that I took her for
granted, thinking she would always be here.
Today is a day that I continuously swallow that huge lump
in my throat. My throat actually aches from forcing all that emotion down every
time it came up today. My head and my face hurt from sucking the tears back up,
and not letting them back out.
And still, more painful memories, a photo, a commercial
for her favorite cereal on t.v, popping up incessantly, all day long. It feels
so cruel, and at times, it's almost unbearable. Every little reminder is
haunted today. My grief for Lauren feels like a life sentence, that I don't
deserve.
At some point, on a day like today, I usually find myself
daydreaming.... Thinking about what she would be doing today, if she were here.
What would she look like? I try to
imagine, but I can't. I can't picture it, because I don't know, and I never
will. I will always be haunted by that fact.
On a day like
today, I feel like I am sitting in the movie theater, of my own mind. I am
watching clips of Lauren's life, and crying to myself. I want to leave, but I
can't. I cant walk away from the memories, as much as they hurt, because they
are all I've got left. Without them, Lauren is just gone.
It's just the grief, I tell myself. Grief is my theater
of pain, and I can walk out at the end of the show. I only have to come here
sometimes, on those haunted days...
To revisit those things that can never be made up, time and paradise lost, is a necessary reminder for me to embrace the rest of my life. It reminds me to allow myself to still feel blessed for what I have, even when I feel guilt, or regret for what I've lost. I remember to stop, and take the time to spend with the people I love, and not take them for granted. It also allows me to forgive myself for the things I wish I had done differently, and to remember that no parent is perfect. I can also remind myself that I gave Lauren the biggest gift of love that I had, and I still do, even on days like today.
T.Rodney
11/11/10