A Dream Interpreted

     Over a pot of coffee with a good friend, and fellow grieving mother, I was blessed with an unexpected peace and joy about Lauren’s death.  My friend Debra and I were the only ones who showed up for our monthly bereaved parents support group meeting that night.  We sat and drank coffee, and talked about our daughters, and our grief, and how our lives had changed since losing our daughters.  Debra shared a beautiful story with me.  She told me about a family friend who saw her deceased daughter, Chasity through a mirror.  The friend said that she could see Chasity as an angel. She could see Chasity’s wings, and Chasity was hugging her sister Victoria from behind as she washed the dishes. Victoria did not seem to notice her sister’s presence as she mundanely talked to her friend and continued to wash the dishes at the sink. The friend was transfixed on the image that she saw in the mirror so much that she couldn’t speak, or look away for fear that Chasity would vanish. It was a beautiful story and I remember wishing that someone had taken a picture so that Debra could see her daughter as an angel.

   I was reminded of my own dream, in which I had seen Lauren as an angel.  I can still see the vision so vividly.  She was glorious, and full of light, and I watched her ascend to heaven with only her little foot peeking out from the hem of her flowing white garment.  I could feel the radiance on my face as I recounted the dream for Debra.  She listened with a knowing smile on her face, and then she leaned forward and said, “Now, do you want to know what that means?”  I shook my head yes, and I couldn’t wait to hear what she was going to say!!

     Her smile was so genuine.  I could tell that she was delighted for me.  She told me that God shows her things, and she shared that she had the gift of discernment. She could interpret dreams.  Debra explained that the long and narrow, white shell road that Terry and I walked on with Lauren was the straight and narrow path to heaven.  The color of white was for purity. She said that Terry and I got her to the blacktop road, where her life ended that night.  She said that God had specially blessed me to let me see Lauren go to heaven in that dream.  She further explained that Terry was there spiritually because Lauren wanted us both there. Debra noted that the fact that I dreamed this dream on the night before Lauren’s St. Joe graduation meant that God was blessing me to “see her graduate”.  I got to see my child in the full glory of heaven that night, and I can still see the vision any time I want because it is imprinted in my mind and my heart.

     My eyes were overflowing with tears of joy.  I finally realized, three years after the dream what a gift it truly was.  Debra told me to go home and think about the dream and the interpretation.  She said that it may even mean something more to me later.  I explained that it meant a lot to me now because my faith had been in a downward spiral.  My heart was filled with doubt and cynicism, and God was pulling me back again.  I was humbled by the timing and the generosity of His love and grace despite my animosity and pessimism towards God and everyone else.

     I have learned in the last three years that grief’s ugliness always finds a way to permeate any shred of peace that I can find in accepting Lauren’s death.  I have to accept it over and over again, and sometimes it begins to harden my heart.  I find myself filled with all sorts of horrible feelings, envy, animosity,  I hate being in that dark place, but I can barely find my way out when I get there…until God throws me a lifeline…

     He manages to touch me through His love and grace, and very special people at times when I least deserve it.  I wept that night because I felt ashamed for being so wrapped up in my own grief to realize the gift I had received.  I was too busy being angry with God to see the gift that He had specially given to me three years ago.  Debra stressed what a special blessing I had received, and she told me that she prays for the opportunity to see her daughter like that, and to KNOW because she has seen it with her own eyes, that her Chasity is in heaven with God.

      I wiped my tears, and I lifted my face to heaven.  I closed my eyes and I relived my dream.  I watched it all unfold again, with knowing eyes this time.  I opened my heart once again, and took in the goodness of God.  I let it seep back into my soul and soon the shadows were being chased away.  I consider myself extremely blessed today.  I have seen my child in heaven, and there is no feeling of security like that on this Earth.  I can breathe again and my heart feels light.  My faith and humility are restored and I have peace in my heart again.

Tara Rodney

9/12/12

For my friend Debra, and her beloved daughter Chasity   

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This is the dream that I shared with Debra: