The true meaning of prayer.
The night my daughter Lauren died, I prayed with everything I had, harder than I ever had in my life. I pleaded and begged for mercy. I tried to bribe God to give him anything he wanted to save my child. I promised everything I could think of to change the circumstances. To no avail... My daughter was gone. In an instant. So final, so permanent. Nothing ever to look forward to for her again. Just agonizing regret for what will never be, and painful memories of what once was.
So you can imagine the ramifications on a soul who has
pleaded and begged for mercy, to feel denied, turned down, not worthy enough,
not faithful enough. The list went on. Soon this unanswered prayer turned to
anger, resentment, envy, jealousy, and hate.
Hearing about other people's answered prayers, was
excruciating. It made a hatred well up from inside me. How could their prayers
be answered?!? Why weren't mine good
enough? What made theirs acceptable?
I told myself that
Lauren died because it was her time. It was about her, not me and my prayers.
So whats the point
in praying? If life unfolds the way it's
supposed to, what's the point? It only
leads to hurt for some, and a false sense of security for others.
Well, I think I've figured it out now. Prayer may be
futile in the outcome of something that is supposed to be. but its something we
can do. Sometimes, its the only thing we
can do. We can do it for each other, and
ourselves, and when we do it, we show God through our actions that we still
believe. We share Gods love with each other in a physical way.
It doesn't matter whether your prayers are answered or
unanswered, because they are heard. They are heard by heaven and they are heard
by each of us. Answered prayers inspire
hope to the hopeless, and unanswered prayers become prayers of consolation for
the bereaved.
Prayer is a gift for all people to share with each other and with God. It is truly the gift that keeps in giving, even when it goes unanswered.
I have changed my heart. I no longer feel resentment at someone elses "answered prayer" because now I know it's bigger than that. It's not about the outcome of the situation which brought a soul to prayer. It's about what happens after that. How does the soul evolve as a result of their prayer being "answered" or "unanswered"?
How may times do we say "thanks God!" and move
on? Or "my prayers don't get
answered, so why try?", and quit? We rely too much on the outcome. Its
like Jesus is an insurance policy. As
long as we put in enough prayers, and masses, and good deeds, we should have
enough for that big prayer to be "answered" the way we need it to be.
I guess in my case, my "unanswered prayer" has
become more pivotal in my life than my "answered" prayer ever could
have been. If Lauren had not died, I'm sure I would have said..." thanks
God!", and moved on. Instead, I've had to figure out why some prayers
don't get "answered", and find a reason to keep praying.
And as of today, I've done that. I've found my reason to keep praying, and I've quit gauging my faith on the outcome of my prayers. I've learned that prayer is fellowship with each other, and ourselves, and our Lord. It has become my comfort now, more than my hope for what I think I need or deserve.
T.Rodney
10/16/10